I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
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Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
why no one uses midhusbands
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
im all 3
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.