My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
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My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My dad is at it again
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My favorite farside!!
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave