Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.