Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.