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i think we should see other cousins
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.