You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo