You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time