Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
You Might Also Like
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
as is their right
What?
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day