To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
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[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I did not eat the cake…
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon