Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.