*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I’m sorry…what?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now