I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
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POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Love it! 👍😂
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED