Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Dishonest mechanic?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”