Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
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Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.