Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
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Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.