Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
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Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”