Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.