Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.