Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
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Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.