*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
#Caturday
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved