The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
You Might Also Like
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Planet of the Apps.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.