Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week