When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.