We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers