I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
What flavor cupcake are these
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
for all #parents out there
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.