Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
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My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
me: my friends:
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
i was baptized in a car wash
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go