“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
“I wouldn’t.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together