Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
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inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.