god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!