I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never