Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
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Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
shit just got real
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners