me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
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Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Not today.. 😂
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.