Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.