will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
You Might Also Like
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Brb my Sims are getting married
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…