it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
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the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.