Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
You Might Also Like
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
This is the one
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there