[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
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Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.