wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side