To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
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Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Growing out my freckles.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
huge valentines day plans this year!!
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.