Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her