Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
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Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
shut up and take my money
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.