It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
You Might Also Like
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack