Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
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HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
ibopfufen
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.