My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
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‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
thanksgiving in nutshell
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.