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*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free