I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”