If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Skills
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I could NOT have put it better myself.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”