[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
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[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza