First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
You Might Also Like
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Wait a second…
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.