sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
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Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems